Only $5.99 at Amazon, makes life easier in a hygiene crisis
(Because TP runs out, but smart sanitation never does.)
Let’s talk about the real elephant in the outhouse: your so-called “prepared” bathroom. I know, I know—some of you have an entire garage packed with Costco-sized TP mountains, thinking you’re set for the next five years. But let me break it to you gently: if all you’ve got is toilet paper, you’re about as prepared as a squirrel with a single acorn for winter.
Because here’s the thing—TP runs out. If 2020 taught us anything, it’s that when the shelves go bare, people will riot over the last roll of Charmin like it’s a Black Friday TV deal. And if you think you can just “make do,” then I sincerely hope you enjoy the exfoliating experience of using leaves or the emotional rollercoaster of washing old t-shirts by hand.
So, what should a truly prepared, self-reliant person have in their bathroom arsenal? Let’s get real about sanitation survival.
1. The Bidet: Civilization’s Greatest Overlooked Prep
Do you know who never panics during a TP shortage? People with bidets. The rest of the world has figured out that spraying yourself clean is not only more hygienic but also saves you from the dreaded “last square dilemma.”
A simple manual bidet (a.k.a. a glorified squirt bottle) costs less than a couple of jumbo TP packs and will keep you fresh even if the world turns into a dystopian wasteland. And if you want to get fancy, attachable bidets can transform your toilet into a Euro-chic, post-apocalyptic spa.
Worst case scenario? Fill up a peri bottle (you know, those hospital-grade squirt bottles they give new moms) and boom—you’ve got a DIY bidet that requires no plumbing skills or electricity.
2. The Emergency “Family Cloth” Solution (Yeah, We’re Going There)
Before you clutch your pearls, let’s be clear: cloth wipes are not the devil. Your great-great-grandparents survived without disposable TP, and guess what? They lived to tell the tale.
Having soft, reusable cloth wipes (made from old T-shirts, flannel, or baby wipes) means you’ll never be caught with your pants down. Just rinse, toss them in a dedicated bin, and wash as needed. Use a bleach soak if you’re squeamish—because let’s be honest, we’ve all seen worse things in a public restroom.
Pro tip: If you’re worried about the gross factor, have a separate “pee-only” set to cut down on washing intensity. You’ll use way less TP overall, extending your stockpile without turning into a medieval peasant.
3. DIY Toilet Paper Substitutes: What Works (And What Will Ruin Your Soul)
If you’re in a real pinch (pun absolutely intended), there are alternatives to TP. Some are great. Others will make you question your life choices.
✅ Soft Options That Work:
Paper towels, leaves, newspapers, wet wipes and newspapers and coffee filters
- Coffee filters (unused, obviously)
- Newspaper (crumple and uncrumple a few times to soften)
- Paper towels (if your plumbing can handle it)
- Leaves (but know which ones—some plants do NOT want to be friends with your backside)
❌ Stuff That Sounds Smart But Isn’t:
- Dryer sheets (bad for your skin, and your plumbing will hate you)
- Catalog pages (hello, paper cuts)
- Corn cobs (historically accurate, but a form of medieval torture)
- Socks (seriously, don’t. You’ll regret it instantly.)
Ah, yes—let’s clarify the Great Sock Debate.
While a sock technically could be used in a desperate moment (and I know some of you have been there on a long road trip), there are some serious downsides to making socks your go-to TP replacement:
- They don’t break down easily – Unlike paper products, socks are made of thick, absorbent fabric that will clog your plumbing faster than a toddler with a fascination for flushing things.
- They’re a nightmare to clean – Reusable cloth wipes? Sure, easy enough. But a thick, cotton-blend sock holding onto way more than just memories? You’ll need some serious mental fortitude to wash and reuse that bad boy.
- You will run out of socks – Unless you have an entire stockpile of orphaned, single socks (and if you do, congratulations—you’ve found their true purpose), this is not a sustainable plan. Eventually, you’ll be barefoot and regretting your life choices.
So, in an absolute emergency? Fine. Sock it to yourself. But as an ongoing plan? Hard pass. Save the socks for keeping your feet warm, not for post-bathroom regrets.
4. The Poo Management Plan: Because It’s Gotta Go Somewhere
Now, let’s talk waste disposal. If the plumbing goes out, your fancy toilet is just an expensive ceramic chair. And unless you’ve got an off-grid sewage plan, things are gonna get real unpleasant.
Here’s what you need:
- 5-gallon bucket + sawdust or kitty litter – Boom, instant emergency toilet. (Line it with a trash bag unless you enjoy scrubbing.)
- Composting toilet – These aren’t just for hippies; they’re a lifesaver if flushing isn’t an option.
- DIY Humanure System – A composting method that turns waste into soil-friendly material. Takes planning, but it’s better than your bathroom turning into a biohazard zone.
And for the love of all things holy, stock up on wet wipes, gloves, and hand sanitizer. You don’t want to survive a crisis only to get taken out by poor hygiene.
A diva cup is perfect for preparation for menstrual cycles.
5. Feminine Hygiene: Because Periods Don’t Pause for Emergencies
Ladies, let’s be honest—stockpiling pads and tampons is NOT a sustainable plan. If you’ve got a year’s worth, great! But what about year two?
Consider switching to:
- Menstrual cups (reusable, easy to clean, lasts years)
- Cloth pads (washable and durable)
- Period underwear (low-maintenance and comfy)
Bonus: You’ll save a ton of money and never have to experience the nightmare of running out when stores are closed.
Stop Relying on TP, Start Prepping Smart
Here’s the reality—modern bathrooms rely on fragile systems. Toilets need water. TP runs out. And in a true crisis, sanitation can make the difference between staying healthy and getting taken out by some medieval-sounding illness like dysentery.
So if you’re still hoarding toilet paper like it’s currency, take a step back and rethink your strategy. A real self-reliance plan means preparing for long-term sanitation solutions, not just short-term comfort.
Because when the grid goes down, the last thing you want is to be standing in your bathroom, staring at an empty TP roll, wondering where it all went wrong.
So, what’s your bathroom backup plan? Are you bidet-ready? Have you embraced the cloth life? Or are you still clinging to your mountain of Charmin like it’s a security blanket? Drop your thoughts (not your TP) in the comments!
